I Want to Wear the Messy Crown

Corrie ten Boom’s illustration of the right side and the wrong side of the crown is a beautiful illustration of what is to come and how God sees me.  I am blameless in His sight.   The story before the crown is not the wrong crown.  It is the crown that brings me to Jesus.  It is the right Crown. 

Corrie’s Illustration

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During Corrie’s presentations to audiences, she would often hold the back side of a piece of embroidery (pictured), with hundreds of tangled threads hanging from it. Many wondered if she was holding up the wrong side by mistake. As she held up the messy side of the embroidery she would ask, 

“Does God always grant us what we ask for in prayer? Not always. Sometimes He says, ‘No.’ That is because God knows what we do not know. God knows all. Look at this piece of embroidery. The wrong side is chaos. But look at the beautiful picture on the other side – the right side.” 

Triumphantly she flipped the cloth over and revealed an elaborately embroidered crown – symbolizing our crown of eternal life. The crown was intricately stitched, and had threads of many colors, including gold, silver and pearls. 

“We see now the wrong side, God sees His side all the time. One day we shall see the embroidery from His side, and thank Him for every answered and unanswered prayer.”

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I began to think about the right side and the wrong side in Corrie’s Illustration.  I stared at both crowns.  The messy crown on the left in Corries embroidery, the  messy crown is the crown of eternal life.  I asked God, “Why is the messy crown the crown of eternal life?”   

Each messy Strand of embroidery is a marker that has given me a glimpse of God’s glory.  “The Lord is near” rings a gentle tone as Jesus is revealed to me in each string.

I have imagined my sins are like a pebble dropped into a well and I do not hear the stone hit bottom meaning that I have so many sins and I am not always totally aware when I sin .   Therefore I cannot possible find all my sins and yank them out myself.   I need Jesus.  Every String hanging out is a significant string to Jesus. Why would I want to cover strings to Jesus and wear it on the inside of a perfect crown? 

I want to wear the beautiful messy Crown. 

I want to wear the beautiful messy crown.   I believe that is what Paul meant when he said boast in Christ Jesus.  I certainly cannot boast about Jesus while trying to wear “I perfect crown”  when it is as plain as the nose on my face that I am not and then I might as well have a note on my back that says, "just call me a hypocrite."

When the stringy crown is replaced with the "I perfect" crown we all might as well shout, “I don’t need the cross, I don’t need Jesus.”   When I put on the crown the way God sees me, I avoid Jesus and I am telling the world, “I don’t need the cross."    The world laughs.  The world sees the strings hanging on the crown.  The world sees pretend, avoid, fake the truth.  What kind of God is that, the God of Pretend?
We all want to have our cake and eat it now.  Corrie says, “One day we shall see the embroidery from His side”   While we wait…........ take off your " I perfect" crown and begin wearing the true messy crown that leads to Jesus, The Only Way.

Attention! The Spirit is speaking

Books spread out on the couch opened and messy and here I sit in the middle of my favorite thing, reading.  I have been listening to all the teachers that have much to say about the movement of the Spirit in their lives. I am in a basking in a place where I hear nothing around me.  Silence!   I open the old journal and I read, "I must lose everything I've gained." and "In all the world I have nothing but Jesus."

Just a few favorite Books

The teachers give great wisdom streaming from the lives they have lived in Christ.  Books that tell stories of Beautiful struggling and honest heart filled commitment pointing toward intimacy with Jesus.

Seeking the Lord has required the hard work of examining with the Spirit my agitations and discomforts.  So often I am content with what I think I can handle….Okay, okay…that is enough, Lord.  Examine is a listening with the Spirit deeply in the secret place.  Examine pays attention to details.   I say, "Good enough, this is too hard.  I have enough to think about with all the minds of others "In Christ" spread out on the couch.”  I say this because I have lost and am afraid of losing more.  So I ask; what am I afraid of?  Why am I afraid?

Today The Spirit gently probes me with the vision of my journals stuffed under all the ones that have so much to give.   How beautiful is the mind of God where the Spirit lives and I am one of the temples where He resides.  

Only the mind of God can see our hearts

The Mind of God

1 Corinthian 2:6-13

“The real teacher is the Holy Spirit drawing us away from any unhealthy attachment to our human teachers” Pastor Jack Brown.

http://redeemercovenant.org/sermon_post/audio-sermon-10132013/

Gravity

Wow!  The beauty of Space is together Emotional and suspenseful.  Gravity rates the top of my list as a favorite. . Sandra Bullock as Dr. Ryan Stone is heard saying that she could get use to the silence.  Then she is whirled into space losing total control.  The scene  that awed me was exactly silent.  Dr Stone stretches into movement where the visual is a child in the womb. The peaceful place before the birth into another suspense.


And if you have seen the movie you may enjoy this....
http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/watch-jonas-cuarons-gravity-companion-piece-short-film-aningaaq/

The perfect Storm

I am stripped of the Clothes of worldly fashion

My bootstraps were stretched and fell to the floor

Along with everything false that I wore 

He was publicly stripped separated from community

Denied by a friend

Can you hear the rooster crow?

The world was not His home

Bricks flew from the hand of foes residing in friends

On each one was written my name

Breakfast at Tiffany’s "Joie de Vivre" fell to the end of my nose

Mocking dignity twisted a vine that was dead

Protruding with grand prongs of thorn

The Thruster jabbed the hat on His head

streaming vitality smothered adorn

The Proper stomped their processional march

Wearing insensible high heeled shoes

They poked and they prodded my unsheathed body

With the intent of fixing the blues

I scourged and I slashed Him till He was not recognized

He willing walked to the place

Where He would lovely die

Refusing the cup, I ungratefully heaped

Punishment on my head

It poured down my body as dripping Shame

Attempting to cover my pain 

He willing put out his hand and accepted the cup

Filled with my punishment

He clothed me with mercy and grace

His Ravishing Healing now tends the beautiful gate

                                                                          Jennifer Oosterhouse 2013

Community of the Weeds and the flowers

Weeding the garden is the most difficult in the dry soil.  I avoid the weeding when the soil is dry.  When I do weed in the garden under dry conditions I always take my shovel.  I work hard and get very little work done.   That is what fear does.  It invites me to carry a shovel along and dig.  Fear is extra hard work.  

I work a messy flower garden.  It is interesting how many friends see the flowers.  “Oh, how beautiful!” And. “Wow, what kind of flower is that large red one.”  Again and again I hear, “I only see the flowers.” 

I see the weeds because I have to dig them up to not let them over power the flowers.  Fear is the worry of being out of control.  The harder we fight what is feared, the more tangled in the fear we become. 

What am I afraid of?  What is it that I am fighting? 

Weeds are only weeds when we don’t want them in our garden.  I had just visited a friend in town and saw a large weed in her garden.  “What is this?” I asked.   I cannot remember the flower she named.  It looks like a dandelion on a very long fuzzy stem.  It is a wildflower.   I was amused.  The long stemmed dandelion had been purchased at a greenhouse and was planted in her garden.    I would be yanking that right out of my flower garden.  The invasive plants grow in fields alongside of our home.   

 Where are the places where I see weeds but in reality they are flowers?

I love when it rains!  After the rain the flowers are bright!  This is the best time to weed!  I do not need a shovel.   The soil is loose and I just pull them up root and all.

Jesus is the master gardener. We work to plant the seeds and turn the soil.  Only God can make the seeds sprout and grow.   I am the garden of weeds and flowers growing together.  The Lord chooses to grow them together in the community of weeds and flowers.   

Dear Jesus,

You have invited me into your garden.  Keep me still in your presence watching and waiting as you grow me into your Community of Grace.

1 Corinthians 3:6 (ESV) 

6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth.

Raggedy Ann "Only Little Girls can see"

I am remembering Raggety Ann,  my mom made her for me and I carried her around everywhere.  When I was small my mom wrote using a typewriter. She once wrote a short story about Raggety Ann and I.  I still have the typewritten yellowed paper in glass to protect it.  It has tears and the e's and a's are filled in, making it hard to read.  I did manage to decipher the entire type story.

Jerilyn Bell  (mom)
I found your Raggedy Ann on the doorstep alone yesterday, quite alone!  You gave no word of explanation to anyone as why you'd suddenly deserted her after a full year and half of faithful companionship.
Two black threads dangled lifelessly where one button eye used to be.  The embroidered mouth was left in half smile--the other half was very worn away.  Her hair was split, frizzy and highlighted by bald spots and her insides were showing through quite indelicately at both shoulders.  Her once cotton dress begged for soap and water and the snaps were dangling or missing.  I gave up sewing them back-on some time ago just as I quit giving her a bath.
Yes, she looked pretty raggety, but that never alarmed you.  You even dragged her by the hand to church countless tines while I explained to friends that you did have better looking dolls.  You preferred that one.
There was the day you carelessly misplaced Raggedy Ann at the Rummage sale and a ten-year-old girl bought her.  I guess I was not aware at the time I made Raggedy Ann that I stuffed her with a magic ingredient, "only little girls could see".  But we got Raggedy Ann back that day and never let her go again--until yesterday!

Today I made a new Raggedy Ann!  I sewed the same patience and care into the seems , but that certain magic ingredient "only little girls can see"  must be missing.  She sits perched on your bed for days, gathering dust on her yarn hair and on the mitten hands wistfully folded across the everlasting clean apron.  Oh, one eye is missing, but your little brother pulled it off.  I didn't see it again.  Somehow Raggedy Ann looks more natural with one eye.
 Trying to keep my memory alive.
I remember taking the old second Raggedy Ann without one arm and one leg and reconstructing it to keep my memory alive.  I think I was 14 or 15 years old.  My sister had a Raggedy Ann also.  Her Raggedy Ann had one leg and one arm. I took her Raggedy Ann and disassembled the arm and leg and attached it mine.  I was thinking that the Raggedy Ann she kept was not as meaningful to her.  She never paid attention to hers and hers was crammed in a plastic bag untouched.  I wanted a whole Raggedy Ann.  Now that I had a whole Raggedy Ann, I displayed her proudly on my bed.  My sister never said a word about Raggedy Ann.  Until her children told me a different story.  They told how I had stolen their mom's  Raggedy Ann and took it apart and ruined it.  They told how selfish I was to have taken the Raggedy Ann and left it legless and armless.  I felt horrible that I had not asked my sister for the doll and that I assumed had no meaning to her.  What could I do?   This happened 30 years ago.
Raggedy Ann is gone.  There is nothing left of the doll that I held close and hug the stuffing out and loved without eyes.  The memory lingers good and awful.  Awful when I think of my selfishness and good when I imagine the little girl faithfully taking the Doll to church, shopping and garage sales and dragging her by the arm.

 I kept the second Raggedy Ann for many years and partly into my married life.   Raggedy Ann started to disintegrate and I threw it away.

I once sewed large Raggedy Anns for my nieces and nephews.  They were never attached to the large red haired doll. .

 Today every time I see a Raggedy Ann in a store, I want to buy her. But I don't because of the memory of my selfishness.  I don't because the orange haired, big button eye doll is not the same as the one  sewed with patience and care by my mom that "only little girls can see".  It is the memory of being loved by my mom, that is what makes it special.

If I twirled for three days would the wrinkles come out?

 I walked down into the basement of our home in Holland, Michigan.  I took the lamp without a shade and add an extension cord that would reach inside the back storage room.  I closed the door with the lamp balancing on a pile of clothes and looked in a box of my mom’s old things. Crumble and stuffed in the bottom of  clothes my mom never wore, was her wedding dress.  It was yellowing, wrinkled and smelled musty.  I remember I pushed everything aside and made room on the cement floor so I could twirl.  The dress was slightly oversize and that suited me just fine.  I thought if I twirled fast enough long enough maybe all the wrinkles would disappear. I never dreamed about my wedding day or what it would be like.  I only wanted to wear the dress and go to a party.

Jesus went to a party for three days in Cana in Galilee.  A wedding celebration with His mother and all the disciples.  Three days at a party!  Three days of eating and talking with friends.  Three days of dancing and celebrating.  No wonder they ran out of wine, three days!

If I twirled for three days would the wrinkles come out?

That reminds me three days….

He would destroy the temple, and He would raise it again in three days – John 2:19

Jesus died and lay in the tomb for 3 days

Then they ran out of wine and Jesus’ mother asked Jesus to help.  Jesus asked, why involve me?  Then said that His hour has not yet come.  Jesus helped.  He asked the servants to fill the ceremonial stone jars (which held over 20 gallons) with water. Ceremonial Jars the Jews used to cleanse themselves.

That reminds me of when Pilot washed his hands to clean himself of the responsibility of Jesus’ crucifixion. When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” he said. “It is your responsibility!”

Matthew 27:24.

Not an uproar in Cana but a party with 6 water jars  that Jesus turned into wine. Turning Water into Wine. Not just any wine the wine was the best ever, a new wine that pleased the bridegroom.

This reminds me of Jesus in the room with the disciples sharing their last meal together and drinking the wine.

This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.  Matthew 26:28. Forgiveness with blood.  Forgiveness that didn't require washing in ceremonial stone jars.  Forgiveness that didn't involve trying to get the wrinkles out.

That reminds me of trying to make myself look new like twirling to get the  wrinkles out to make the dress look new. So I wonder…How am I trying to make myself like new?

I ask Jesus to forgive me over and over for trying, I will never succeed. because it is God who makes all things new and He has  forgiven me.  I have accept my invitation to a party with Jesus with the best wine you have ever tasted.  I am His bride.

  Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

for the marriage of the Lamb has come,

and his Bride has made herself ready;

  it was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.  Revelation 19:7–9

A few years back I found the wedding dress stuffed in a box at mom and dad’s house.  I took it home and washed and hung it, wrinkle free to remind me to be ready for the marriage supper of the Lamb.

God Desires to fill me with the fullness of Himself

I think that God will do what God will do.

So that if it is God's will than His will be done whether I ask or not.

I desire to be in God's will. I desire to have all of God. I desire to be wrapped in his arms. Why then do I refuse to ask what I what?

When I pray I say if it's your will God could you heal me. So if it's His will he will heal me.

I certain leave an out for disappointment. When I decide to pour out my complaint before God, I always add if it is your will, that way I leave no room for disappointment, and I am in control. I have put God in a box with my arms wrapped tightly around the package. Disappointment is the one thing that keeps me from praying the whole truth to God. Why am I afraid of disappointment?

I wonder do I have enough faith? God's job is Grace and our job is faith.

In Mark 5 a women that has been bleeding for 12 years is healed when she reaches out and touches the cloak of Jesus and she was instantly healed. Did she know that she would be healed or was she surprised?

How can I touch the cloak when the cloak isn't there?

In the desire To keep myself from disappointment I make sure I imagine the scariest, most difficult situation that way I can be pleasantly surprised in the outcome, so I can protected myself from disappoint, I have it all under control.

I am so sad to know that I have not let God fill me to his fullest. I have stopped important communication with the one I desire the most. I have pried Gods loving protective arms from my soul thinking that I was better at it.

The God that desires to fill me with the fullness of Himself is waiting.

So I ask God to help my unbelief (Mark 4), and I remember the new thing that God has revealed to me and turn away from my old way. The cloak of Jesus lives in me as the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit protects me, I do not need to imagine the most difficult...I only need to abide in Him at this moment, now.