God Desires to fill me with the fullness of Himself

I think that God will do what God will do.

So that if it is God's will than His will be done whether I ask or not.

I desire to be in God's will. I desire to have all of God. I desire to be wrapped in his arms. Why then do I refuse to ask what I what?

When I pray I say if it's your will God could you heal me. So if it's His will he will heal me.

I certain leave an out for disappointment. When I decide to pour out my complaint before God, I always add if it is your will, that way I leave no room for disappointment, and I am in control. I have put God in a box with my arms wrapped tightly around the package. Disappointment is the one thing that keeps me from praying the whole truth to God. Why am I afraid of disappointment?

I wonder do I have enough faith? God's job is Grace and our job is faith.

In Mark 5 a women that has been bleeding for 12 years is healed when she reaches out and touches the cloak of Jesus and she was instantly healed. Did she know that she would be healed or was she surprised?

How can I touch the cloak when the cloak isn't there?

In the desire To keep myself from disappointment I make sure I imagine the scariest, most difficult situation that way I can be pleasantly surprised in the outcome, so I can protected myself from disappoint, I have it all under control.

I am so sad to know that I have not let God fill me to his fullest. I have stopped important communication with the one I desire the most. I have pried Gods loving protective arms from my soul thinking that I was better at it.

The God that desires to fill me with the fullness of Himself is waiting.

So I ask God to help my unbelief (Mark 4), and I remember the new thing that God has revealed to me and turn away from my old way. The cloak of Jesus lives in me as the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit protects me, I do not need to imagine the most difficult...I only need to abide in Him at this moment, now.